This Life

I don't know how to start this post.
Trying to find my voice.
Who am I?
Fear and regret heavy.
Trying to see past it all.
Lost.
Cut myself off somehow.
Shy. Quiet. Afraid.
Every conversation a disaster.
I'm in here, but I'm stuck.
Hiding maybe.
How do I be myself?
Who is myself?
Can't talk.
In my head.
Alone.
Fault // mine.
I own this present state.
I purchased it.
No refunds.
Light fading.
Bursts of hope. Thankful. Need more.
Bed made // lying in it.
So many plans. Passion.
Song trapped.
How do I get it out?
Brilliance or Illusion?
Open!!!
Break through.
Stuck.
Curled up.
Beaten. Defeated. Self.
I'm defeated.
Alone.
Boiled down.
World wins?
Can I get back up?
For what?
What can I do?
Battle lost early. Feels.
Sitting in darkness. Big room. Hard floor. Boarded up windows. Holding hammer and nails. Choice is mine. Million things in my brain. Dimmed vision. Need a hand. Cut them all off. Hands in my big backpack.
Anger. Bitter. Sadness. Tears in dark. Tears right under.
Failure is bitter. Strangling. Blinding. Pulling.
Poor choices. Poor planning.
Quiet boy. Sitting in the dark. Hidden or hated? Both?
Who wins?